reg monteverdi, the keenly pastoral resident composer at the parish of St John the Apostate, has recently found himself in some considerable trouble. Mr Monteverdi, famous for such liturgical compositions as the “Two-Step Alleluia”, and “Never Mind The Bollocks, Here’s The Gloria”, made the foolish mistake of agreeing to be interviewed by the terrifying editrix-at-large of the The Wyttrer, Phoebe Green. Mr Monteverdi easily assuaged Ms Green of any suspicion that he might be a patriarchal oppressor, anthropocentric anti-Gaian, looney green anti-womyn environmentalist, or even theist. It was an entirely innocent reference, however, to his long-standing membership of the Society For the Propagation of the Non-Existence of Denmark, however, which provoked Ms Green, who stormed out of the interview after showering Mr Monteverdi, 68, in abuse which chiefly consisted of ever longer and more detailed accusations of his complicity in patriarchal oppression, anti-Gaian earth-destruction, the military-industrial complex, the Conservative party, and the evil schemes of the Elders of Zion. In a blistering account of the interview, Ms Green further accused him of attempting to grope her, picking his nose throughout the interview, and of admitting to regular sexual conjugations with a variety of soft furnishings in his home. Fr Thaddeus, the parish priest of St John’s, immediately wrote a letter to The Wyttrer, informing readers that he was “scandalised” by the “appalling” admissions of Mr Monteverdi, and that he had been suspended from duty in the parish, and asked to leave the village immediately, in the interests of fairness.
while in some climbs cucumbers get the blame for the outbreak of E.Coli in Germany, not so in Much Wyttring. Here, dozens of protesters have been seen outside Tesco’s, furiously brandishing cucumbers in support of the downtrodden Spanish farmer. Maud Spindle-Chetwynde, of the Leninist Baking Front, which organised the protest, said that the protest was a “show of solidarity with our Spanish comrades, against the vile market forces which manufactured this ridiculous idea that cucumbers are to blame for the outbreak of E.Coli. It is plain as day that this is yet another plot by the military-industrial complex to mask the true meaning of this clear-warning from Mother Gaia herself about the destructive nature of the patriarchal oppression of the capitalist system.”
a handy two-for-one offer for those with both bored, elderly relatives and too many speeding cars on local roads: the new car-spotting kit by MetCo, the marketing arm of the Police. Priced at just £39.99, this handy kit includes Bill Oddie’s fascinating new guide, Car-Spotting for Fun and Profit. As an added incentive, should road safety not improve, the book has a money-back guarantee should it fail to work as a cure for insomnia.
