Others may have been out enjoying fine English weather, but not so the universally-feared editrix-at-large of Much Wyttring’s second-most-successful newspaper, Phoebe Green. “CASH FOR PRINCES SCANDAL”, screamed the front page of The Wyttrer, while a stinging editorial tore into the Royal family (a “nest of the indolent, the in-bred, and the obnoxious”, funded by “the ever-expanding misery of those crushed between the wheels of Britain’s military-industrial complex”), the government (“the rapacious and the ridiculous, stuffing their pockets with the savings of our grandmothers”), the Duchess of Cambridge (“a furious social-climber whose Tory cash-cow parents offered the perfect entree to the world of power she has craved for so long”), Pippa Middleton (a “grinning moron, whose pearly-white dress perfectly matches the whitewash of her own sordid past”), and, at much length, the “grinningly imbecilic” and “fanatically royalist” unwashed lumpenproletariat of Much Wyttring.
Long term Green-watchers say that this is a new high, both in the level of invective and the number of people libelled in a single column. Indeed, the only column in recent memory by Ms Green even close to this one was that of the 15th March 2009, which, among other things, attacked all the major political parties, seven archbishops, fourteen mayors, seven heads of state, and, at considerable length, her sister. Ms Green, a prominent member of the Much Wyttering branch of the Leninist Baking Front, was unavailable for comment.
Long term Green-watchers say that this is a new high, both in the level of invective and the number of people libelled in a single column. Indeed, the only column in recent memory by Ms Green even close to this one was that of the 15th March 2009, which, among other things, attacked all the major political parties, seven archbishops, fourteen mayors, seven heads of state, and, at considerable length, her sister. Ms Green, a prominent member of the Much Wyttering branch of the Leninist Baking Front, was unavailable for comment.
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Dr Norman Quince, the famed discoverer of the Spanish Guitar Beetle, has once again been charged with contempt of court, wasting police time, causing a breach of the peace, and six counts of inciting religious and racial hatred. Dr Quince was arrested by West Scurvy police force after repeatedly heckling members of the congregation at St John the Apostate in Little Quinisext, before attempting to place the new Papal nuncio to Great Britain, Archbishop Mennini, under citizen’s arrest, on grounds of heresy, treason, witchcraft and praemunire, the last of which, a mediaeval law against any power attempting to override the supremacy of the monarch, was abolished by the Criminal Law Act 1967, for Britain’s admission into the EEC.
Archbishop Mennini had been visiting St John the Apostate for a confirmation service, and is said to have been ‘surprised, but otherwise unharmed’ by aides. Although the archbishop decided not to press charges, police nevertheless arrested Dr Quince after he attempted to “borrow” four sets of handcuffs, a truncheon, and a megaphone from the Little Quinisext police station in his efforts. Dr Quince was unavailable for comment.
Archbishop Mennini had been visiting St John the Apostate for a confirmation service, and is said to have been ‘surprised, but otherwise unharmed’ by aides. Although the archbishop decided not to press charges, police nevertheless arrested Dr Quince after he attempted to “borrow” four sets of handcuffs, a truncheon, and a megaphone from the Little Quinisext police station in his efforts. Dr Quince was unavailable for comment.
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New research indicates that 33% of the internet is composed of adverts offering free laptops, mobile ‘phones, games consoles, and occasionally, cheap wives. Astounded researches at the Airhead Institute of Statistical Inutility, part of West Scurvy University, said that the findings “completely overturned previous expectations”.
Dr Kevin Smug, who led the eight-man team investigating the subject, said: “This is quite incredible. Initial estimates suggested that a mixture of pornography and adverts offering cheap tooth-whitening techniques made up the vast majority of the internet. These findings, however, shake that hypothesis to the core.”
Dr Kevin Smug, who led the eight-man team investigating the subject, said: “This is quite incredible. Initial estimates suggested that a mixture of pornography and adverts offering cheap tooth-whitening techniques made up the vast majority of the internet. These findings, however, shake that hypothesis to the core.”
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